Over the last few days I’ve been coping with disappointment totally inappropriate to the situation that created the emotion. All that happened was that something I was to do next weekend got moved to the following weekend, which means I can’t go. It’s really not the end of the world even though it was to be a weekend of total relaxation and healing, giving and sharing Reiki with old and new friends and something I have been really looking forward to.
My first reaction was that it was fine, a mix up, these things happen, this though was followed by feelings of sadness that I couldn’t go, that others would be there and I wouldn’t, then real disappointment that I was missing out on my weekend away and then very surprisingly anger.
I’m still not sure who or what I was angry at, it was after all a genuine mistake by someone somewhere, but for some reason it triggered all sorts of things, pushed lots of buttons and I had to spend a good amount of time quietly and unobtrusively, releasing the anger that I was feeling as a result. I had I fact turned down the opportunity to be elsewhere this weekend, one of these was a sweat lodge, something that I have been wanting to do for a long time. It feels way too close to the sweat lodge to go back and ask if there is space as I’d really want to some preparation on a personal level before attending one. So maybe I am angry that I am missing out on both opportunities now.
I could conceivably make part of the weekend, but I know this is not the right thing to do for many reasons. My intuition tells me this as does all the divining I have been doing. So am I angry at myself for not making the effort to get there? Or am I angry at those who guide me for making it clear that this isn’t the right thing to do?
Where in my childhood is the root of this anger for it is surely there that this is coming from? Or does that even matter as the anger is now completely gone leaving in its place the excitement that comes from knowing I will now be home for Summer Solstice and that I can now have my own meaningful ceremony? On an intellectual level I would like to know what was triggered but on an energetic level it has been released and so my understanding it all possibly doesn’t help much.
I did journey in an attempt to gain insight, the result of which was a dismemberment which left me even more puzzled than I was before. This can often happen with shamanic journeying in that we can be left with a puzzle containing so much symbolism that it may take weeks or months to understand it all. All I can do here is to record my journey then leave it be, knowing that at some future point in time something will click and it will make perfect sense.
Emotions though are complex things, rising up and biting us when we least expect them. Sometimes they make total sense and we can see what has happened all too clearly. Memories from earlier in our lives come flooding back and with it insight and understanding. At other times though, all we can do is acknowledge how we are feeling and deal with the emotions in what feels like the most appropriate way at the time, knowing that if the underlying trigger has not also been released, we will probably be given another more appropriate opportunity to work with it in the future.